Why is it not ok to be single and happy?

This is a rant more than anything else, sorry folks! :-)


I have been single for quite a while now. Circumstances and my situation have partially dictated it but it has also been my choice.


I split from my ex when I was very early on in my pregnancy. It was a dark time for me. I had just got out of an abusive, controlling relationship and I was trying to keep it together for the unborn life inside me.


A few months ago I toyed with the idea of dating again but I chickened out. It probably has a bit to do with confidence but I also believe that I chickened out because its not the right time.


I'm not a woman that needs to be attached to a relationship. A relationship has never validated my worth and nor should it.


Recently people around me seem to be more forthcoming with their wee remarks about getting back on the horse, meeting somebody new, getting on with my life and many more.


Do people really think my life is at a standstill just because I'm not with a man? If I was with a man for the sake of it those same people would probably be saying that I was clingy, dependant, scared to be alone etc.. It seems that I can't win!


The final straw came at a mother and baby group a few weeks ago. I've known these mums since our babies were newborns. I know them all pretty well and some of them will be lifelong friends. One particular mum who I have a love/hate relationship with made a comment which just showed me how narrowed minded and ignorant some people can be. Her husband had been working away for a few days and she was giving out about it. She then said "I tell you, this going it alone is shit, boring even". I pointed out that my life is neither boring or shit.


I'm the happiest that I have ever been. I am enjoying life and living every moment. I'm finally self employed which is what I have wanted for years. I'm focused on being a great mummy but I also get to continue to do what I love for a living. I have bought a home and been working on that too. What part of all that seems like I'm treading water?


I can't believe that in 2014 people still seem to think that I'll only really have it all once I have a man.


Rant over.


Has anyone else experienced a similar attitude?

Blogging Anonymously....for now.

Recently I read a blog post by @amandaniescior on Niescior's Notes. It was about regretting going public with your blog.

It was an interesting read for me because this was something I thought about a lot when I first started Kid And Capers.

Very early on I decided not to "go public" with mine and to stay relatively anonymous. 

My reasons for this? I wanted my blog to be somewhere that I could talk about about anything, but more specifically, my experiences as a single mother. I wanted somewhere to chart my journey. A place where I could return to reminisce.

It's not necessarily something I want my son to read when he's older. Not because I will be saying anything awful! It's just my personal thoughts/feelings and I don't necessarily think that O needs to read those when he's older. He certainly doesn't need to read about his mum thinking about "dating" again. :-) Nor does he need to read that his mum used to worry in the very early days that people would judge her for being a single parent.

There are things I will need to tell him when he's older but I want us to sit down and talk about it all openly. I don't want him to possibly read it all first on here and then draw his own conclusions.

For the same reason I didn't want family and friends to read my blog. I just wanted to be able to talk (or vent!) without judgement...my own wee personal space.

That said, I've got to know some great people through Twitter and blogging. Those people know me, they know my back story. It's not that I don't want people to get to know me (quite the opposite in fact!) I just want to have a wee bit of control over people in my life reading my thoughts. 

I understand that may all sound contradictory - I'm happy for strangers to read whatever I write but I don't want family and friends to. I guess its because if readers or strangers want to judge me, that's ok. I'm indifferent to it.

Maybe one day I'll feel differently....

Did you "go public" with your blog?

Did you ever consider not going public, for what reason(s)?

A date - to go or not?

So, anyone that has read through my posts will know that I have been single for quite a while now. I've basically been single since I was 2 months pregnant. My son is now almost one! In that time so much has changed. I've changed so much!


Just recently I was asked out on a "date". In the same instance I was excited, flattered and absolutely petrified! Part of me wants to go, he's a nice guy. The other part of me wants to run and hide somewhere. Here's what has been rushing around in my head; Can I leave my baby? Will I just end up counting down the seconds wanting to rush home to him? Will I know how to hold a conversation that doesn't revolve around babies? What will I wear? How should I do my hair/makeup? All that and so much more!


This morning I woke up and decided that I would go ahead with it, if only to push myself. By this evening I was definitely not going and convinced myself that I was rushing myself.


So, have any of you been in this position? How did you handle it? Any advice or suggestions would be all gratefully received. :-)


Much love. xx


@latte_fiend on Twitter.

First Christmas With Little Man

Well, its Boxing Night and I have done nothing but overindulge for the past two days. Its been great! I thought I would take this quiet moment to write a post since I have been neglecting my blog recently.

This Christmas was a Christmas of firsts for me.
- My first Christmas as a mummy.
- My first Christmas with my gorgeous little man.
- My first Christmas preparing for Santa.

I have loved every single minute of it and cannot wait to do it all over again next Christmas. I had a "Baby And Me" day on Christmas Eve. We woke up, had breakfast together, napped together, opened LM's (Little Man) Christmas Eve box, had a walk together where we fed the ducks and deers, watched The Snowman together (well I watched it while he glanced at it now and again and rolled around on the sofa!) Then we decamped to my parent's house to spend a few days with family.

Waking up on Christmas morning to my son's smiley little face seemed to encapsulate in that moment everything that Christmas is about...love, family (& I don't just limit that term to those related by blood), happiness, the small, simple and insignificant things. Yes, we all like to receive nice things but Christmas is about so much more than that. 

My son eventually understood that the wrapping paper came off his gifts and revealed the toy inside. His favourite toy was still the mountain of discarded wrapping paper though. :-) He was overwhelmed at times, I think our excitement was rubbing off on him but he had a fun filled day which is what matters.

I couldn't help but get involved in Sarah Millican's #JoinIn on Twitter. So many people were alone (and lonely) this Christmas and something as minute as a hashtag seemed to make them feel loved. You could get a real sense of the spirit of Christmas through that timeline. I'll definitely be dipping in and out next Christmas too. 

I hope everyone else enjoyed their day and continue to enjoy the festive feeling for a few more days. 

Love. x

@latte_fiend on Twitter.

Life is so short

Apologies for the absence but I have been busy moving myself and baby boy into our new house. I now fully understand why they say that moving house is one of the most stressful things a person can do...

At least I thought it was one of the most stressful things until I got a bit of perspective.

I write this as I await news about a baby I know in respiratory failure. The doctors are using their last option to help him, after that there is nothing they can do for him. I look at my son, who is just a little bit younger, and I cannot imagine being faced with that. How do you even begin to prepare yourself? The thought alone kills me. Life is so very cruel sometimes. I still hope against hope that this little boy will be the one to make a miracle recovery.  He has so many people rooting for him. 

All of the above, that's real stress. Not "shopping" for a new house moving boxes around. It's sitting by your babies hospital bed not knowing what's around the corner.

It shouldn't take things like this to make you take stock of your life & appreciate what you have but unfortunately most of us lose our way a little.

I don't think this particular blog post serves any purpose other than for me to say - sit down, think about everything you have & be thankful. That's what I intend to do. 

Love. 

@latte_fiend on Twitter 

What I've Learned So Far

I'm a single mummy. Its the best job I've ever had, its rewarding and makes everything worthwhile but its hard. Its not all sweetness and light but then most parents have learned that little titbit, haven't they? :-)
While pregnant the label "single mother" scared me. Were people going to judge me? Were they going to think that I was someone that had messed up? Were other women going to think they were better mothers than me because they had managed to "keep their man"? Granted, a lot of the doubt was down to hormones but still, I'm sure I'm not the only single mother that thought those things.
My baby is 8 months old now and I've learned quite a few lessons so far. This is what this particular post is about.

No regrets. When I split from my ex I wished I had never met him, I regretted that I had wasted so many years of my life in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship. Then my baby boy was born and the moment I held him I instantly realised that the past is just that, the past, over, gone. I never need to repeat it. I've learned my lessons and I'm moving forward. I'll never get to the end of my days and think "I wish I had spent more time looking back".

A couple with a baby doesn't make them happier than me. I've met some mummies through baby groups etc. and some of them are miserable in their relationships, others are as happy as me. Its taught me that having an other half might make the load a wee bit lighter at times but it doesn't make their "happy tank" any fuller than mine.

Not all families look the same. I've always known this but being a single mummy brings it to the forefront. Baby boy and I are still a family, a unit. I'm glad that things have changed so much over the years. As my son grows older he will be able to look around and realise that families are all very different - 2 mummies, 2 daddies, different nationalities, races, 1 mummy or 1 daddy. I'm not saying the nuclear family is bad - I'm just glad that there are many different variations now.

Trust my instincts. People offer lots of well intentioned (but often uninvited) advice when you have a new baby. Everyone seemed to want to offer me advice, even though it was the last thing I needed. The baby thing has always been easy. I've worked in childcare for 15 years so a newborn baby didn't worry me. Though, when you have just given birth your hormones are raging, you're running on adrenaline but you also feel quite vulnerable. Because of this, the "advice" started to make me question the decisions I was making. Maybe I was doing things incorrectly? I had a moment during a night feed and decided that from then on I would smile sweetly when offered advice & then do things the way I wanted to. There aren't many people that I trust as much as I trust myself. :-)

How to be frugal without being miserable. I have to be smart with my money for obvious reasons but I've learned to make it go quite far without having to be miserable. Only buying what I need, making lists and only buying what is on the list, freezing the food I can't use before their date, batch cooking etc. I'm still learning. :-)

I'm extremely proud of the job I'm doing. I have a baby who is happy and more loved than he could ever imagine. We're just at the beginning of our story but I look forward to the next page.

 

What are your thoughts and experiences?

 

@latte_fiend on Twitter

 

Spring cleaning my friends?

I thought when I got to my late 20s that I knew who my friends were, I thought that they would be my friends for life. I've learned that people change, both myself & others.

I'm a single mum of one. When I fell pregnant last year the reactions of some were a surprise. Some friends were over the moon for me, said they would be there to support me as & when needed. Others acted like it was the end of the world. Was it going to affect their lives in the slightest? I think not. I just put it down to them being shocked about the news & moved on. 

As the pregnancy progressed people I used to think of as good friends were withdrawing from me. Now that I couldn't get drunk & didn't want to go out partying I seemed to have lost my appeal. I had enough on my plate though so I swept it to the side, assuming those same friendships would come right in the end. 

When my baby boy arrived this year I got some cold, clipped congratulatory texts....basically just paying lip service to save face. 

Now my baby is 7 months old & those friendships haven't improved. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being the one to put in all the effort. I'm sick of phoning to see how they are & having them not ask about my son in return. 

Just like I sometimes need to spring clean my house, I need to also spring clean my friendships & bin those that are no longer working. It's sad to turn my back on years of friendship but I refuse to waste my time on what is no longer working. Not to mention that if people couldn't be there for me during the biggest event of my life to date, well then they have no business being in my life at any other time. 

I wish them no ill will but it's time to move on & leave them behind.

Peace. 💋

@latte_fiend on Twitter