Why is it not ok to be single and happy?

This is a rant more than anything else, sorry folks! :-)


I have been single for quite a while now. Circumstances and my situation have partially dictated it but it has also been my choice.


I split from my ex when I was very early on in my pregnancy. It was a dark time for me. I had just got out of an abusive, controlling relationship and I was trying to keep it together for the unborn life inside me.


A few months ago I toyed with the idea of dating again but I chickened out. It probably has a bit to do with confidence but I also believe that I chickened out because its not the right time.


I'm not a woman that needs to be attached to a relationship. A relationship has never validated my worth and nor should it.


Recently people around me seem to be more forthcoming with their wee remarks about getting back on the horse, meeting somebody new, getting on with my life and many more.


Do people really think my life is at a standstill just because I'm not with a man? If I was with a man for the sake of it those same people would probably be saying that I was clingy, dependant, scared to be alone etc.. It seems that I can't win!


The final straw came at a mother and baby group a few weeks ago. I've known these mums since our babies were newborns. I know them all pretty well and some of them will be lifelong friends. One particular mum who I have a love/hate relationship with made a comment which just showed me how narrowed minded and ignorant some people can be. Her husband had been working away for a few days and she was giving out about it. She then said "I tell you, this going it alone is shit, boring even". I pointed out that my life is neither boring or shit.


I'm the happiest that I have ever been. I am enjoying life and living every moment. I'm finally self employed which is what I have wanted for years. I'm focused on being a great mummy but I also get to continue to do what I love for a living. I have bought a home and been working on that too. What part of all that seems like I'm treading water?


I can't believe that in 2014 people still seem to think that I'll only really have it all once I have a man.


Rant over.


Has anyone else experienced a similar attitude?

Blogging Anonymously....for now.

Recently I read a blog post by @amandaniescior on Niescior's Notes. It was about regretting going public with your blog.

It was an interesting read for me because this was something I thought about a lot when I first started Kid And Capers.

Very early on I decided not to "go public" with mine and to stay relatively anonymous. 

My reasons for this? I wanted my blog to be somewhere that I could talk about about anything, but more specifically, my experiences as a single mother. I wanted somewhere to chart my journey. A place where I could return to reminisce.

It's not necessarily something I want my son to read when he's older. Not because I will be saying anything awful! It's just my personal thoughts/feelings and I don't necessarily think that O needs to read those when he's older. He certainly doesn't need to read about his mum thinking about "dating" again. :-) Nor does he need to read that his mum used to worry in the very early days that people would judge her for being a single parent.

There are things I will need to tell him when he's older but I want us to sit down and talk about it all openly. I don't want him to possibly read it all first on here and then draw his own conclusions.

For the same reason I didn't want family and friends to read my blog. I just wanted to be able to talk (or vent!) without judgement...my own wee personal space.

That said, I've got to know some great people through Twitter and blogging. Those people know me, they know my back story. It's not that I don't want people to get to know me (quite the opposite in fact!) I just want to have a wee bit of control over people in my life reading my thoughts. 

I understand that may all sound contradictory - I'm happy for strangers to read whatever I write but I don't want family and friends to. I guess its because if readers or strangers want to judge me, that's ok. I'm indifferent to it.

Maybe one day I'll feel differently....

Did you "go public" with your blog?

Did you ever consider not going public, for what reason(s)?

I thought I had it sussed....

As the title says, I thought I had it sussed. Instead of returning to work after maternity leave I decided I would become self employed (childminder), work from home, be with my baby and live happily ever after. 

All of these plans are still achievable, still in the pipeline and I'm still going ahead with them because it's the best situation available to us.
 

The problem is that I don't really want to go ahead with them. I've realised that I want to "just" be a mum, raise my boy and enjoy these precious years that go by all too quickly. 

"Get over yourself" I hear you shout. I'm not whining (honest!), I'm just being very honest about how I feel. I'm a single mum and so I'll do what I have to do in order to provide for my baby. I just wish there were different options available for those mums that would like to be SAHM until their kids go to school. 

I enjoy working with kids, I really do. I've done it for almost 15 years. It's just that I've enjoyed this wee "baby and me" bubble that I've lived in over the last 12 months and I'm reluctant to give it all up. 


I try to put a positive spin on it. I'll have more money for me and my wee boy. I'll be able to save money towards his future, whether its his education, travelling, a house, who knows! I'm just venting really and lusting after a particular way of life.

Have any of you struggled with decisions about returning to work?

Does it get easier once you get into the swing of things?



A date - to go or not?

So, anyone that has read through my posts will know that I have been single for quite a while now. I've basically been single since I was 2 months pregnant. My son is now almost one! In that time so much has changed. I've changed so much!


Just recently I was asked out on a "date". In the same instance I was excited, flattered and absolutely petrified! Part of me wants to go, he's a nice guy. The other part of me wants to run and hide somewhere. Here's what has been rushing around in my head; Can I leave my baby? Will I just end up counting down the seconds wanting to rush home to him? Will I know how to hold a conversation that doesn't revolve around babies? What will I wear? How should I do my hair/makeup? All that and so much more!


This morning I woke up and decided that I would go ahead with it, if only to push myself. By this evening I was definitely not going and convinced myself that I was rushing myself.


So, have any of you been in this position? How did you handle it? Any advice or suggestions would be all gratefully received. :-)


Much love. xx


@latte_fiend on Twitter.

Dear Baby Boy....

Dear Baby Boy,


Mummy has been thinking about a few things today so I thought I would tell you about them.

• I wish that you would kiss me with the same enthusiasm that you do when offering kisses to virtual strangers.
• I wish you would throw your toys in the toy box as expertly as you throw your snacks around the kitchen.
• I wish you would race to your bedroom at bedtime as quickly as you race to the bathroom when you discover the door is open.
• I notice that you don't rip the pages out of your books like you rip them out of my magazines.
• I'm not as silly as I look, I know that when you start clapping in that cute wee way that you're really just trying to distract me from the fact that I caught you pulling all the DVDs off the shelf again.
• Why don't you get as excited to see me as you do when you see your granny's dog?
• You're as complaint as you are defiant and I love it.

All of this and only 10.5 months old. I joke of course but more than anything, I hope that you never ever change. If I had to make a list of what my perfect baby would be like....its you. You make me smile every single day. You make me want to be the best person that I can be. I've never known love like it. Who needs a man on Valentine's day when I have a mini Mr Perfect at home?


Much love. xx


@latte_fiend on Twitter

17 minutes free time?

Last week Netmums said that recent research would suggest that mums get just 17 minutes "me time" a day. 17 minutes! 

As a single mother, I can definitely concur with this, assuming that they're not counting once the babies are in bed?

From the moment I wake until the moment I put the little man in bed it's all go go go. Baths, cooking, nappy changes, mum & baby groups, library visits, grocery shopping, cleaning, playing with baby, reading to baby, daily walk to get fresh air, popping in to check on elderly relatives & so on.

I don't resent this though. This is what I signed up for & while some days are exhausting I wouldn't have it any other way. As the baby grows up I will inevitably have more & more "me time" & I'm not sure that I'll be ok or happy with that option.

My "me time" comes in the evenings. Little man goes to bed at 7.30pm. I spend the next hour cooking myself a bite to eat, tidying away toys, dishes etc. Once that's done I spend a few hours doing things for me - a glass of wine, a hot bath, trashy tv, catching up with friends & passing time on various social networks. 

Realistically, I probably do get more than 17 minutes "me time" a day but it's still down in the low numbers. I just try to use my time efficiently during the day because time to myself in the evenings means more to me than a snatched few minutes during the day. 

If you're a mum, how much "me time" do you think you get? 

The Hard Parts

 

This saying has rang true for me on so many occasions this year. It has been the most enjoyable/exciting rollercoaster I have ever been on but it hasn't been without its hard parts and its those hard parts I want to write about for this post. As with most of my posts, I can only talk about it from the perspective of being a single mother but I'm sure some of the things I'm going to talk about can ring true for any parent at some time or another, single or otherwise.

The loneliness. My baby boy is the best company! Even though he has me awake at 5am most mornings, the day seems to fly by and before I know it its 7pm and time for bed again. That said, when he goes to bed I can sometimes feel the loneliness set in. In order to stave it off that's when I normally throw myself into cleaning, cooking something to eat and paperwork. It means that I never really relax.

No other team players. Not so much now but in the earlier weeks/months I found it hard not having anyone to hand the baby over to. I found myself bathing at 2am on some occasions because I knew it would be my only opportunity. Sometimes my first proper bite of food would be midnight. People are very happy to talk about "helping" but what they really mean is they'll hold the cute baby while you bust a gut doing something else.
Now that my son is crawling and climbing up on everything, I find I can't take my eyes off him for two seconds. So once again I find myself longing for someone to be there just to keep an eye on him while I make him lunch/dinner etc. without worrying that he's swinging from the chandelier! ;-)
I also sometimes wish there was someone there to take their turn at getting up at 5am while I catch up on some much needed sleep. I have never lusted after anything, or anyone for that matter, like I lust after a full/long nights sleep.

Nobody to tell me I'm doing a good job. Ok, this one is a wee bit self indulgent but we all like to hear that we're doing a good job, don't we? After a tough day or long night its sometimes just the boost you need to hear to keep you going.

Sleep deprivation. This one is the b*t*h. There's a reason some countries have used this as a method of torture....it works! It affects how you think, how you feel and it makes you become someone that you don't recognise.

Nobody to share the amazing moments with. In quick succession my boy started to sit up unaided, then started to creep, then crawl and he's pulling himself up on the furniture now. He's doing a combination of baby led weaning and traditional weaning. He's about to move into his own room (I don't want to talk about it! lol) So many moments like these have passed by and each one has brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye. I couldn't be more proud of this little bundle. I don't miss my ex (not in the slightest), I don't miss that life and what it done to me but I do miss the notion of having someone there to dance around the room with me when my child has reached yet another milestone. Instead I phone family and close friends and they do a brilliant job of being just as elated as I am. :-)

How have you other single mothers found things?

Love. xx

@latte_fiend on Twitter.

Single Mum & Dating - Where To Begin?

So I've been single for a long time now. I split from my ex at the end of last summer & was 7 weeks pregnant at the time. My priority was to heal after my that relationship & prepare for my baby to join this wonderful world. He arrived in March & its been everything I thought it would be & much much more. In one word, its been magical. An adventure. Though I digress. Baby is now 8 months old & we've found our groove together.

While I don't think I'm quite *there* yet, I am beginning to think about dating. The question is, where do I begin? In my adult years I've been in 2 serious relationships that both stemmed from friendships so I don't really know how to "date". I cringe at the thought of it if I'm honest but how am I to ever meet anyone if I don't date?

I also need to get over this overwhelming sense of guilt at the notion of leaving my baby while I go out with someone. This is why I say that while I'm thinking about dating, I'm not quite *there* yet. I'm a big believer in the idea that if it doesn't feel right, its probably not right. And dating right now doesn't feel right....but maybe in the future.

I've spoke about it with friends & they seem to think I won't feel guilty if I arrange dates for times when I know baby will be in bed. That way I can still do the bedtime routine (which is so precious to me) & I'm not giving up any quality time with son because he will be snoring his gorgeous little head off.

The whole dating scene seems like a minefield & I don't know if I'm cut out for it. That said, while I'm not overly eager to start meeting new people at the moment, I also don't want to be alone for the rest of my life either. That's exaggerated but you get the idea....

I never thought this would be so hard to ponder over. Or maybe I have too much free time on my hands.......as if. :-)

Love.

@latte_fiend on Twitter